Better than I know myself
by RandomRachel
Summary: A song-fic based on 'better than I know myself' by Adam Lambert in Brendans point of view.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hollyoaks or its characters and I don't own the song either. This is a song-fic based on the song 'Better than I know myself' by Adam Lambert in Brendans point of view. I skipped some of the choruses as I didn't want to repeat myself. Please review, I'd really appreciate it.

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><p><strong>Brendan Brady<strong>

_**Cold as ice  
>And more bitter than a December<br>Winter night  
>That's how I treated you<strong>_

I would never show my feelings towards Steven, never acknowledge our realationship. Whenever we were in public, the only thing he could be to me was an employee and the occasional mate. Never anything more. I'm suprised he put up with it. Me, playing the big bad boss for the sake of everyone else when, inside, my heart wanted to break everytime he sent me one of those hurt looks of his when I ignored him. And it was hard to ignore him. He practically called out to me. When I entered a room, my eyes searched all the faces in the crowd for his. When I was in the club and Ste was supposed to be working, I would be on edge until I saw him, saw his familiar face that had burned intself permanently into my memory. His eyes, his hair, his flawless skin, his lips...

_**I sometimes tend to lose my temper  
>And I cross the line<br>Yeah that's the truth**_

I know I didn't always treat him right. He made me feel so vulnerable, like he could see my very soul and there was nothing I could do about it. And when I feel vulnerable I lash out. It's the way I was brought up. It was as much a part of my nature as breathing. But I shouldn't have hit him, it was too far. But it was too hard to suppress my need for control, for my old, simple life. Steven was so honest, so gentle - I didn't know how to deal with him. I'd dealt with con-men, thugs, the dregs of humanity and I'd dealt with them with ease. But give me someone like Steven, someone that wasn't trying to get the upper hand, someone who actually cared about me and I felt lost. Uncertain. Things that normal people deal with everyday were so confusing. Everytime he spoke, I was searching for double-meanings in his words. Looking to see if he was like everyone else - against me. But no matter how scared I was, I'd crossed the line. I know that's what I told him he'd done but that was a lie. I was the one in the wrong and that's the truth.

_**I know it gets hard sometimes  
>But I could never<br>Leave your side  
>No matter what I say<strong>_

Sometimes I want to run away. Want to hide from the unfamiliar feelings that Steven brought. But I could never do that because, no matter how much it hurts when I'm with him, I know it would be a million times worse without him. My place was beside him, even if I could never show the world, I would always have the moments alone where the it was just me and him. Nothing else mattered when I was with him. No matter what I say to him, no matter how much I put him down - tell him he's worthless or whatever. No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I could never let him go. Not in a million years.

_**Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,  
>But I really need you near me to<br>Keep my mind off the edge  
>If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,<br>But you're the only one that knows me  
>Better than I know myself<strong>_

I'm in too deep. Any chance of escaping is long gone. I need Steven and if I can't have him, life will never be the same. It sounds cheesy or fake but it's not. It disgusts me sometimes - how much I rely on him. People think I'm always in control -even Steven thinks that. But he's wrong, he's the one in control because all he has to do is leave and I'll be in pieces. I need him to make sure I don't go crazy. Because, to be honest, the act I put on infront of the world is just that - an act. But he can see me for what I am. Someone who's scared and alone. A control freak, yes. I can act impulsively, yes. But he knows what I'm thinking. He knows what I've been through - he's been through a lot of it himself. I need him, I cling onto him like a drowning man clings to a piece of driftwood. I need him to stop me from drowning in the lies and secrets I hide behind, I need him to save me from myself. He's the only one who could do it because he knows me better than I know myself.

_**All along  
>I tried to pretend it didn't matter<br>If I was alone  
>But deep down I know<br>If you were gone  
>For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn<br>Cause I'm lost without you**_

All my life, I been alone. I prefered it that way - no one to rely on, no one to take care of, no one to let you down. But everything changed when I met Steven; not immediatly, but gradually I started to change. I no longer wished for the peace and safety of being self-reliant. I didn't wish to go home to the privacy of an empty house anymore. No matter how much I pretended otherwise, deep down I knew I didn't want to be alone. But I didn't want just anyone, no. With anyone else, I was better of alone. The only thing better than being alone was being with Steven. I needed to know where he was, if he was okay. If, even for a day, I thought I'd lost him, I would surely shatter into a millions pieces like glass. Because I'm lost without him.

_**I get kind of dark  
>Let it go too far<br>I can be obnoxious at times  
>But try and see my heart<br>Cause I need you need now  
>So don't let me down<br>You're the only thing in this world I would die without**_

Sometimes, I feel like there's no way out. That the whole world is closing in, sufficating me. I yearn for freedom, for the freedom to do whatever I want, _be_ whatever I want, without worrying about the consiquences. It times like that that I forget about everthing good in my life, everything I love, and can only see the bad, the darkness. Then I lash out and things go too far. They get out of control. But I love it because for one, wild, crazy second I get to be myself; the darkest part of myself, granted, but myself nonetheless. The only other time I get to be myself is in the security of my bedroom, with Steven beside me. I can be alot of things; obnoxious, arragant, selfish, manipulative but Steven saw something good in me and that was something nobody had ever done before. He was a one-of-a-kind and I was crazy to lose him but if he felt the same as me - the same passion, the same loyalty, the same_ love - _then he will come back to me. I'd told him that before, said those words with complete certainty. There was one reason for that. You only ever get one love of your life, that one person you would die without; that crazy, passionate, throw-reason-out-the-window, do-anything-for-them love of your life. You only ever get one. And Steven was mine.

Rachey Ayyy xx


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